You’d think I would take some sense of satisfaction in always being right. But you’d be wrong (unlike me, who in similar circumstances, and by definition, would be right). Being right all the time is a burden. It’s like having a big albatross around your neck, except there is less pecking and less generally smelling like a bird.
I thought the Phillies offense would fail them in the playoffs, and I was right. I thought my prom date would ditch me for someone she could “stomach,” and I was right. I thought that People Magazine would insist on thinking “inside the box” and name George Clooney the Sexiest Man Alive instead of me, and yes, once again, I was right.
The latest thing I’ve been proven right about involves our Governor’s plan to change the way we select electoral votes from the current system, which is popularly known as the “winner-take-all” method, to a new system, popularly known as “Lets get Mitt Romney some votes” method.
In my previous writings, lectures, debates, and nude performance-art appearences on this issue, I said that this was a well-funded national effort to change the laws in cherry-picked states to guarantee that the Republican presidential candidate wins, no matter how the actual votes are cast.
I pointed to the fact that Republicans in Nebraska, one of the two states that does divide its electoral votes (and the only state to think that naming their sports teams “The Corn Huskers” is intimidating) are going back to winner-take-all because Barack Obama had the audacity, not only of hope, but of getting one electoral vote in a state that John McCain carried. Apparently, making sure the Democratic voters in Lincoln feel their voices are heard is not a priority to those who husk corn.
I further said that we would soon see the same plan emerge in other states where Republicans temporarily control state government, but which tend to vote Democratic (or “Communistically Fascist” as Glenn Beck would say) in national elections. I pointed to Wisconsin and Michigan as the next likely targets.
“WRONG!!!” said the administration (apparently not being familiar with my prom experience). “Senator Leach is paranoid, and delusional, and crazy, and a bad dancer, and his shirts don’t match his pants…” (the administration does tend to overreact). “This is just an innocent local effort” they said, “to ensure that the people of Central Pennsylvania don’t lose an election simply because they got fewer votes“. They demanded to know what evidence I had for my pierogi-fueled ravings. (Pierogies have a big effect on me).
Well, sit down. Prepare to be shocked. Maybe have a sip of scotch, or a bottle of Percocet (either one works), because this article hit today’s “Badger Herald” (they name newspapers after the local animal most likely to bite you in your basement):
It turns out that Representative Dan LeMahieu, a Republican who represents the city of Cascade (where they make an excellent cheese that can also be used as a dish-washing liquid) in Wisconsin, has introduced legislation identical to what has been introduced in Pennsylvania. It should be noted that like Pennsylvania, Wisconsin tends to vote Democratic in presidential elections. In fact, their streak is longer than ours. They even voted for Michael Dukakis in 1988, which led their legislature to ban “voting-while-on-hashish”.
There are a couple of things to take note of here. First, I’m right again. So take that People Magazine.
Second, Republicans in Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, and other states the Republican Presidential nominee could not lose if he was indicted for treason, show absolutely NO interest in splitting their electoral votes by gerrymandered Congressional District. There is little discernable GOP interest in making sure the hippies in Austin feel better about their roll in presidential elections. These poor hemp-lovin’, tie-dye wearin’, tofu-eaters never vote for a candidate who carries their state. In fairness, they usually don’t vote for the Democrat either, preferring to cast their last 10 presidential ballots for either Ralph Nader, or anyone with the word “Rainbow” in their name.
This effort has now been exposed as an attempt to change the rules so that red states vote as a unified, winner-take-all block, and blue states vote in a divided by-congressional-district mess. Further, since the Republicans are the ones gerrymandering those blue states, they will still give most of their votes to the Republican candidate, even while their people vote Democratic. In Ohio, a 50-50 state, the new Congressional map is 12-4 Republican. Ours will be 12-6.
So lets say in 2016 Dennis Kucinich, the Democratic nominee carries both states. He will get 14 electoral votes, while Larry Craig (Hey! Anyone can make a comeback), the Republican candidate, will get 24. Meanwhile, Mr. Craig will get all of Texas’ 38 electoral votes. This means nothing less than the end of competitive presidential elections.
At the very least, the actions of the Badgers and the Corn Huskers make any denials that this is a national effort to rig presidential elections more difficult. At worst, this plan would be the end of our ability to claim that we are a true democracy. Of course, I could be wrong. But how often does that happen?