Privatize This!

Howdy

Governor Corbett really likes Commissions. In his short tenure he has appointed several to deal with issues such as Transportation, Marcellus Shale, the role of Government and whether to change his name from Tom Corbett to Lola LaFontaine (recommendation? No in the short and medium term).

Commissions can be very useful, particularly if you, like Governor Corbett, stack them with people who are already committed to recommending what you have already decided to do. For example, the Marcellus Shale Commission was composed largely of administration officials, energy executives and advocates from groups like “People for a More Noxious Tomorrow.”

I adopted a similar strategy recently when I had a dispute with my friend Walter. We were having a fight over which one of us is the bigger Dufus (it is a fight we frequently have). So I appointed a Commission to explore the matter composed of me, my mom, and 3 dudes who owe me money. Oddly, the Commission still found that I was the bigger Dufus (the evidence was compelling).

I am particularly intrigued by his new commission on privatization. The purpose of this commission is to find the “core functions” of government and to privatize everything else. I worry that the Commission will find that there are no core functions of government, particularly since the Chair of the Commission is also the President of the “There Are No Core Functions of Government” Foundation.

But I always try to be a “when-in-Rome” kind of guy. So I have a suggestion for the new Commission on something we can privatize, Lets privatize the legislature!!!

I know what some of you are thinking; Isn’t making laws a core function of government? Well that’s the sort of loathsome Socialist monkey-crap I’ve come to expect from your type (howdy mom!). Since the private sector does everything better, wouldn’t it obviously do a better job at making laws? Here’s how it would work:

We could keep the same number of seats we currently have in both the House and the Senate. But instead of electing people to fill those seats, we’d sell them, to the highest bidders. To be fair, the poor would have the same chance as corporate CEOs to bid for these seats.

This would have two huge advantages over the current system. First, we could then use the money raised by selling the seats to plough back into tax-breaks for the corporations that bought the seats in the first place. See, its Win-Win (a big “win” for the corporation. I’m still working on who the other “winner” is). Second, if we know that a particular seat was bought by Conoco Energy, it would save lobbyists time in unnecessary persuasion.

We could also make money selling naming rights. Plus, think of the added cache our legislative chambers would have with the right branding. I think we all agree that the term “House of Representatives” is a bit stuffy. But the tourists would flock to, say “Keebler’s Law-a-Pallooza“. The Senate could be ‘Exxon-Ville” and the decor could be changed slightly from a Roman theme to more of a Fossil-Fuel Extraction motiff.

Think of the money we could raise (and give away to billionaires) if we could name the capitol building itself the “Cialis Center“. We could install adjacent bathtubs in the rotunda with sculptures of Ben Franklin and William Penn sitting in tubs next to each other looking pleased that their state was thriving, and that their genitals were working as intended.

In fact, our tax-pledge friend Grover Nordquist once said he wanted to “shrink government to the size where he could drown it in a bathrub.” He could use one of our Cialis tubs to do that, although he would have to work around a pharmacalogically aroused Ben Franklin.

Look, some people say our government is for sale already as big campaign contributions beget even bigger tax-breaks and subsidies to people who don’t actually need them. Why not just embrace that? What has democracy given us other than a social safety-net, clean air and some really annoying regulations about sending 6 year olds into sulfer mines?

A private legislature, on the other hand, could give us what Pennsylvania really needs; blue-light specials on school funding and 2-1 deals on tax cuts. Instead of passing resolutions about Diabetes Week or recognizing some soft-ball team, we could pass resolutions honoring “The People who Own Us“. And to think, people claim I don’t do enough to support the private sector.

Love Daylin

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